the spongebob inside of me

we all have our own list of worries. some people are too busy counting theirs while others just throw it at their problem's face, i mean just imagine it. hilarious. we all are humans and all of us tend to worry and get nervous hopefully only some of us still wet their pants. thank god for that because if that happens a lot then i guess stages have to keep atleast 10 sweepers daily. thinking of this i am disgusted already to go to the stage tomorrow. thanks already brain! we all are full of emotions and thoughts and ideas even though our generation has mostly the nonsense ones but look on the brighter side of it! atleast we have a full functioning brain! i am a rfeally anxious person , i get tensed on typical things . yes,you can count any normal thing that you do and if you can't think then let me give you today's example. 

since the last week we are going to our main branch and i know that you already know what for but in case if you don't then here's my tip : 1.read my last published post girl! and 2.you look like a uniciorn probably because noone has ever seen one. lol i am so weird. anyway as we are going to have a super-duper annual function this year after like 3 or 4 years our school fauculty suddenly arised and shined with the most disgusting idea of all to cancel both our carnivals and practise for our annual function. yep, i know i should have killed them already but nah... m good. so,we are enjoying a lot practicing there with our friends over there and having fun and all kinds of stuff people do in schools except studies. everyday was the same, we all girls of the same class boarded a bus and left for the other branch and i was thankfully seated by some girls which i knew and this new seating arrangement took place today. i wasn't aware of anything related to the "pom-pom group" don't judge me , i know it's hideous but since we are designated as cheerleaders in our dance i think it isn't that bad . after a whole tiring day i finally boarded the bus and talked for hours with the girls sitting next to me and then later i came to know that all the costumes were distributed and i wasn't even there so i had no costume to be worn but then i asked my ma'am about my dress and she told me that she had locked it in the cupboard and i felt a tiny bit of relief but then the monster inside me woke up and started yelling like spongebob , yes, it's that bad and i got freaked out and since i called my bestie just right now i got shocked. she told me that all the costumes were ill-fitted and UN-ironed and i wanted to break down into pieces after hearing this. so, i freaked out again and decided to Google to how to not take stress and after reading the same  crap again and again i decided to do it my way and i felt wonderful after doing it the way i wanted. i went to the washroom and did my thing and sat there for a while,closed my eyes and thought about my present where i had nothing to do but accept the fact that it was totally impossible to break into the school right now and find my dress . then i thought about the past, it's gone and it's history and i need to remember more about our freedom fighters rather than how the dress dispersal went and in the future i made plans for things to go perfectly as i have thought. end of it. i opened my eyes and talked to myself that  it's a waste of time to worry about such small things when i have bigger things to worry about like ebola or maybe my dinner! 

the thing is i want my experience to be someone's guidance. yes, obviously i have read that quote which says that i want to hear someone say to me that because of you i didn't stopped but right now i am being a very kind person and you should cherish that. i wanted  my problem to be solved . i wanted to help others who are thinking the same or who have been trapped or caged by their own thoughts. who are mot willing to meditate or are running out of time,money or love. anything. my solution to become someone else's answer too! so, if you are going through a mental trauma then please visit my blog! god, i am so greedy but it's my good too! I've done enough kindness for today!but seriously i know how that feels and those weird butterflies and things getting onto your nerves. just in case nothing like that happens to you, you better pass a human or robot test. 

we all are same and equal and blah blah blah...... sorry but I've done enough for today.

i love you bestie!!!!

Some people are actually ones who come and change your life. They are meant to mend your ways and completely change the way you think! They totally restore your faith about things you believe don’t even exist. Ok, I am not talking about a lover. Though I wish I could experience that feeling but I guess the above description is quite worthless and small to tell you about it, I am talking here about friends! Friends, no not that show you T.V. maniac, I am talking about the people who we are comfortable with, who we know and don’t want to get apart from them. At least I don’t want to.........but however they are funny, sad, annoying or just crap they are friends. People often are not friendly and as I grew up I began understanding every letter to the core of these two words. As I was a small kid about the age of four or five I had faith in friendship and by that I mean a lot of it because I could easily make friends except the grumpy cat faced people because in that case I would have ran like hell. To be honest I was innocent and as I grew up I have realised that every single person around me is willing to sign a use and throw contract with me. To some people I don’t even feel like a friend I am just another option to talk to when they need something. It was bitter but truth and truth is better than a bitter lie. That didn’t made sense right? Anyway I have this awesome friend pallavi who I love just to the moon and back.i feel so good being with her , although we meet very rarely but still I am going to be with her all day after three months because I am joining her school! Although we are of the same school but we study in different branches. So due to our annual function practise... did I mentioned that I am in a stupid drill? Holding pom-poms? No? Well now you know it. So, due to the practise we need to go to their branch and believe me and my friends only participated to go there. We are some sick girls with crazy minds. So, today all my faith in people restored. Why? Because first of all I’d like to curse my teacher misses manju who is strictly against boys and girls conversing or just sitting around. I hate such people who in this century, even the time when we are at heights of progress and prosperity, where our society is reforming with the norms it had earlier created but we, the children, how will we prosper and develop in such a society where the teachers are not only accepting this change, where the ones who teach us, guide us are the only ones to shape our minds like they were of the society which we are struggling to change. I wish teachers could be young and jolly so that they understand the future of their country and I wish I could just ban such teachers who do such type of things and get this cautiousness in the brain set of small buds. It’s against us, against the future. What on earth does she thinks she is? Always full of sarcasm. Not appropriate to be called as a teacher.

Whenever I went to her branch she always used to find me and hug me and so happened this time! She came to meet me! Who she hasn’t been able to talk to n ages. I felt so good that I was important to someone! I felt so glad! I felt as if she was a real friend. I went to meet her and her friends and god they were so nice! As if they knew me since ages! Later in the break when Miss Manju sent all the boys to the canteen we were ferocious of the kind of behaviour we girls were getting. We weren’t even allowed to go to the canteen! Isn’t that partial! So, she came along with her friend and brought grilled sandwiches for me! Wish people like her exist even more. What can I do now with no words let to tell you about how I feel, nothing left to describe but still I want to tell you more about it but what should I do with this feeling of satisfaction in my heart and an overwhelming big grin......

backbitching

people are people. they are untrustworthy and unreliable. admit it there has been at least one point in your life, one certain point when all your faith in humanity went inside a dustbin . in day to day life i often come across such circumstances but today i just want to light fire to the dustbin and burn the person who had betrayed me , with it. so much pain!!!!!!!!!! so, i'd just like to share another of my poems to express my thoughts. please don't think i am a mentally ill patient!



sorry is that what you speak?
when you're done to shout and scream?
sorry is that what you say?
after you hate and break?

and you try to scream and hide
after all the rules you abide
and then you try and make your way....
sorry is then what you say?

you betray you fight
i listen and i try
i try, to not to be rude
but oh your silly attitude
i smile and i forget
but i swear i won't do that again
because all i have done is regret

enough have i had
and i don't deserve that!
why should i wait for you?
when you are always leaving my side
why should i waste my tears ?
when you think that you're right!

love me or love me not
i don't think i care
anymore of what's going on with you
and don't meddle with my affairs.

and i asked what the hell is love???

Someone once told me that love is the greatest existing force on earth and that it could change things .although it can but one can’t expect its result to be in the good or the bad. People say that love is too young and vulnerable at first and has to be taken care of like a baby but gradually it becomes a mature adult which is allowed to roam free without any concern. Love is also like a bud which blossoms and wins a million hearts but at the same time its beauty is only till the day it’s watered. I have never experienced love but only a few of us actually will. In today’s generation keeping your heart open to people can only leave us damaged, said a broken hearted. What wrong did she said? Maybe nothing because the one who’d try that is more likely to be called a fool but that’s where we all fail in this love game because true lover of one will accept the broken hearted as they are. They will love all the flaws and repair the damages and take care you and be a nurse to the broken heart so that one day it finally smiles and realises who he actually loves.

The one who sought beauty never had it in the face, said the studious girl next door. She sobbed and said that the one who looks for beauty never actually gets it. Beauty is just a complementary gift of sight, the ones who have it, find it even in the ugliest things of all. Looks can be to die for but a good heart is to kill for. Why do girls dress up to get a boy? Because they know that one will never love them unless they look like an angel who just got down from heaven but the sad truth is that such girls make a fool of them and let their heart be broken by someone who is mending with their emotions without any care at all.

Love is eternity, said the old man standing near his wife’s grave. Love isn’t always physical, sometimes it’s just the way someone can make you smile without them being with you... just the way of you thinking about somebody which sends butterflys down your stomach. Ah! That one thought and everything is bliss. Love isn’t about holding hands, it’s just about holding up a smile. Love is infinite even though you still can’t be there for hugs or kisses. It’s just about how much you miss them that every second feels like a day passing by.

Love is a game, said the sportsman. You need to win a heart before you take the trophy. You need patience, practise and skill. You need to be good at it. You need to compromise what you carve for your goal, your love. That day you shall win.

Love isn’t just about that big day, said the newly wedded wife. Love isn’t always about dreaming with who you want to spend your life with. It’s not at all about naming your kids beforehand or exchanging vows. It’s just about how special is your each day and how honestly you stand up to the vows you made. That’s true love.

It’s a contrast outfit, said the fashion designer. Love isn’t about able to complete each other’s sentences and doing the same things. True love is different yet the same. You don’t need to be a matching accessory for your outfit, sometimes quirky is fun. Never be the same. Just be the way you are. If you need to change your clothes to match with your lover then I am sorry but it’s not true love.

Then what is love? Asked the little girl. If you look across the globe or people near you, you’d find love. Be it living or dead it’s everywhere. Love isn’t always correct and it’s mistaken too but it’s fun, quirky and delightful. Much to make your day. Not to be together but be together forever. To be the opposite but still attract. Love is just about finding it and let it grow each day. Love is about happiness and joy. Love is you

burger or bug her!

And the season’s back when girls finally feel insecure and the most disgusting thing ever on the planet but now I don’t feel sympathetic towards them I need sympathy for my own dear life. I always bluffed about how beautiful a girl is when she’s comfortable in her own self. With her own body and there’s nothing she’d want to hide. Even if she’s curvy, fat or thin she’s satisfied but let me clear it up now. It’s all a trap. Life feels horrible after my realisation of being fat. I am just of no good. No, I haven’t been struck by lightning I am struck with cholesterol! Oh my! It would have been better if I would have been struck by lightning than to face this ugly truth about myself that makes me want to puke all over the place. I never had that coming. Actually I am damn confused about how to explain it. I am at a stage of my life which I thought I’d never end up to. At least not in my teens but I guess the odds aren’t on my favour. Hit me in the face someone?

So, it all started with a very happy story when I and my dearest friends were over to a friend’s house for a sleepover after her tiring dance party. Honestly I’ve always loved dance parties no matter how much my heels ache the very next day there’s something about them that I can’t resist. It isn’t only just the dance party but it’s also about what we are going to wear. basically this is what we talk about weeks ago before we even know the party is coming but since we are girls and girls like fashion and fashion is fun we gossip all day long about how glam and tip toed we’ll be looking on the big day. we all are the suspense breakers as we can’t simply keep our outfit a secret so all you can do with us is that talk about your outfit as much as possible and explain each and every millimetre of it and yes, don’t forget your accessories! I love this topic so much that I can talk about it day and night. As per my record which completely says that I looked glam in all the recent parties I am pretty much sure that I’ll look better in my future outfits too! Honestly I love it when my besties complement me and my collection, the feeling that one gets at that time is unexplainable. So, every time I go out for a much awaited shopping spree before picking out just the right outfit I always keep in mind that it looks exactly the way I want it to look in any party. Not too decent nor too out of the world. I carefully choose my outfit and no wonder how many I have but I always fall for the one in the black. Be it totally black or just a little hint of it. Something is there about it that catches my eye. Well so, this time I decided to wear the dress my sister bought for me from my dream destination Paris! Yes, at first i was freaking out too but I just wanted all eyes on me so I decided to pair that LBD with some black stockings and a pair of black wedges and a prepped up ponytail. I thought I looked too damn hot for it but as I had seen the birthday girl’s dress I wanted to be another showstopper in the room. To my expectation at first everyone was looking at me and admiring me but then if we move this story a bit ahead when I was at my friend’s home one of my tall bestie commented that I looked healthy. You obviously know my reaction very well don’t you? I was like oh my god! What? Do I look fat? Omg! No! No! Noooooooooooooooooo! For god’s sake no! I asked her if she was serious and she nodded which seemed pretty much like a yes to me. Well never mind that I ignored it and cooled myself down but then today during school hours another best friend came up and told me that her mother even said to her that I looked healthier than before. Again you very well know my reaction. Kill me please!!!!????? Why? Why only me? She even pointed out to my diet and told me to control a bit on my carvings and stay away from my beloved chocolates and all sorts of unhealthy things. How can I stay away from them? Can you stay away from your loved ones? Just as I was about to ignore it I sensed a sudden urge to cry and whined like a two year old in front of her with a very tensed face. To give me relief she confirmed that it wasn’t much and that she too looked just like me but like I cared at that time about that. I know they all were just lies. Sad lies. I whined all my way in the recess and asked one of my boy friends to tell me whether I seemed fat from anywhere and he at first took it in a very casual way and replied with a very satisfying no but then he snapped back and instantly replied that my face looked a bit smaller than my body! Oh no! I don’t know what to do! So as soon I rushed home I asked my father to tell me a few exercises which help reduce fat. I feel dumb now rivewing myself in the mirror now since like from the time I have reached home. I feel disgusting not just because I was told I looked fatter but also because I never believed in any of this. Where am the me which said once that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes? Where is that me? At this time I am questioning myself if I actually think that my theories are correct or just fake. Am I not pretty just because of my weight?